NATO schmato

It didn't take long for Friday to roll around. The day dawned drizzly and cold, and my nerves dawned frayed and jittery. I spend half of my life afraid, I think. And then keep putting myself in places where that fear is exacerbated. I got up and agonized over what to wear for a while. What is one supposed to wear to outdoor event where you're greeting the public and just incidentally travelled halfway around the world, leaving your professional wardrobe sitting in Canada? Having settled on never fail all-black, I trudged through the mist to the centre of town in order to forage for food and arrive to the kiosk on time. I needed to peruse my Afghanistan fact sheets though I was pretty positive that nobody was going to ask me anything on the paper. I did this over black tea and an omelette that I only ate half of because my stomach was doing flip flops. I didn't know what to expect and I was afraid that I wouldn't be any good at doing whatever I was supposed to be doing. The time came when I finally had to move to the square to start the day. One last check in the mirror and I was off.

It was chaos that greeted me on arrival. The Canadian embassy folks were unloading large red bins of supplies into a covered tent and attempting to construct these large metal and plastic pillars that had Afghanistan quick facts on them. My job was to watch the car as it was unlocked. Glamorous, I know. Aren't you jealous? Having accomplished that amazingly draining task, it was time to get started.

There were several embassies involved in the event and so under the pavilion, the American, Canadian, Belgian, and Polish flags were hanging. It made the place to look very festive. Due to volcanic ash clouds, and the unfortunate state of Polish affairs at the time, most of our supplies didn't make it to Tallinn as they were stuck in Warsaw. So, we had very little to give away, which is always a mistake when there are Americans in the vicinity. They had crackers and peanut butter, and people in uniform with big guns etc. Very impressive looking I have to say. The rest of us schlubby countries just had info, other than a brief moment of glee where I go to give out balloons. To that end, having nothing to give, while there are giant signs saying "Canada in Afghanistan" surrounding you is asking for trouble. And, for the most part it was. Creepy, opinionated people like to talk to Canadians about Afghanistan, not people out innocently taking in a NATO exhibit. Those people take the crackers and peanut butter and run. People are like crows. They like things that are either shiny or edible. Preferably both.

Despite the grey day, many, many people showed up for the NATO day proceedings. Talking with the person I was with from the embassy, he mentioned that since the economic recession, Estonians have taken to attending events that are open to the public and that are generally free of charge. I noticed that since being here I've seen many events happening in the square, of a number that would far exceed open, public events that happen at home. If I can recall, something is usually happening once every two weeks or so. I remember seeing thousands of candles lit at one point, as well as an interesting display of robotics where I held an old man robot's hand as he wobbled around on a walker. Anyway, the point is that it was busy. I met a lot of very interesting people, like the Estonian foreign minister, a few people working for the American embassy, some Canadian DFAIT folks, and some Estonian-Canadians who had found their way back to their homeland. That was the best part of the day, meeting all of these people who have led very interesting lives.

After six hours of towing the company line on the war in Afghanistan (yes, the Canadian government is pulling out in 2011 to take on a solely humanitarian role...), I was about ready to call 'er quits. We rolled everything up, packed the pillars away and rode off into the sunset. Pfftt.. no, I actually walked to Kevin's and had a warm supper. I was cold! The NATO event ended with an outdoor concert and a screening of the movie "Afghan Star" which I stuck around briefly to see. There was an after party for those who helped out at the event but, me and my feet had had enough. It had been a great day that I was very happy to be part of, even if there were parts I didn't like. Which reminds me, I should send them a thank-you note!

Hello, Mr. Ambassador?

The week before I left for Helsinki I received an invitation from the Canadian Embassy to attend a NATO event and volunteer for them. I was told to meet them on Monday for a meeting and that the ambassador would be there. The event was to be held on the Friday in Freedom Square and was going to be all day. I jumped at the opportunity thinking that it would be an invaluable experience that me and my politicized self would benefit from. I wasn't too far off actually, but of course, with me doing anything involves a number of potentially embarrassing hiccups.

On Monday I dutifully walked over to the Canadian embassy after class for the meeting. The e-mail I received said that the ambassador would be there but failed to mention a number of important things. It gave me the impression that there would be a lot of people and that I could just sit in the back maybe and pretend not to be there. Or maybe I misread the e-mail in lieu of wishful thinking. Wishful thinking aside, the facts were really rather different. This is how it unfolded: I walked in, one of the people working in the embassy said the ambassador wasn't ready yet so I sat down. About ten minutes later I was ushered into an adjoining room and told to pick a place to sit. As I entered, I was staring the ambassador full in the face and when I sat down.... he sat beside me. Now, I know that despite being a relative VIP in the Baltic region, that this man was just a person, but I hadn't blown my hair dry that morning, was wearing jeans and a t-shirt, and was sweating slightly from walking up the hill. Bahh!!
There turned out to be only four people attending the meeting which was a briefing meeting on the war in Afghanistan which is what we'd be focusing on for the NATO exhibit. Thank you political science degree!!!! Thank you Jeff MacLeod for forcing me to learn stuff!! Without that prior knowledge, I would have been up a creek without a paddle (to be colloquial). As it was, my voice seemed to have gone into hiding somewhere under my lower intestine, and my sweat glands had decided I was nervous and to over produce for me. Dear body, I hate you. Love Noelle.

An hour in I managed to hit my stride. I knew this information, I'd covered it before. The ambassador was friendly and genial and spoke like a career politician and I'd dealt with people like that before. Half way through, he asked what I was studying and when I said political science, he just chuckled and mumbled that I probably already knew this stuff. I said sure, but not the statistics. When he asked my opinion, I had one, when he asked where I was from, he said he'd been there. So I guess, all in all, it went well. I'm not delusional, I know I was a blip on his radar screen for all of two hours but as the only other Canadian in the room, I had wanted to make an impression. I don't really know that I did. He was probably thinking, "This girl looks awfully uncomfortable." which I was. Totally.

Toward the end of our conversation, we got to talking about the political system in Tallinn. I mentioned that I thought their electoral system was better than ours despite the democratic deficit this part of the world is currently experiencing. The office manager, who was Estonian like all of the others who work in the embassy, said something that I hadn't thought of since being here and I want to share it with you even if you aren't interested. She said that since the collapse of the Soviet Union, things have been changing so fast for Estonians that they are simply exhausted from thinking about their political and economic situation. They don't have a history of consistently being concerned with upcoming elections, or a strong correlation between voting and democracy as a part of life. So, similar to Canadians, they simply don't bother to vote, just for very different reasons. I still think it's amazing that despite this, they have one of the top five democracies in the world and are one of the most forward-thinking nations.

On the walk home, I was laughing to myself and at myself for that afternoon. How? How did I get here, have coffee and a chat about NATO with an ambassador? How am I representing Canada's position in NATO to the Estonian public on Friday? What is going on?????

Helsinki Photos

Shoulda, woulda, coulda?

This trip, among many other things, has been about self exploration. It was my first trip abroad, my first chance to see how other people do this little crazy thing called life, or was the lyric love? Oh, well. It wasn't maybe, the first time I've had to move alone, or blend in with a new set of people but it was the first time I was so far away in a completely different environment that required me to re-jig my priorities to fit the context. Actually, the most major revelation started before I ever left the country. I find that revelations are sort of like busses, none come for hours and then they all come at once. Anyway, I've been thinking, and to quote Meg Ryan in "You've Got Mail", I wanted to send this cosmic question out into the void. What is the difference between should and could, and equally, how do we separate what we could do or want from what we should do or want?

More specifically, I wonder about the "should's". I think each of us has their own set of "should's" which could be anything from should finish washing the dishes, to should have children or should get married. Each of us has their own independent sets of pseudo obligations or duties that we sometimes feel are vital. For the sake of narrative, I'll divulge what mine were before, and then I'll tell you how I don't really know what they are any more. Ok, so my should's include: should do my absolute best all the time, should study for a week in advance of every test, should eat healthy and not eat cake for breakfast, should be responsible always because if a person is anything they are at least responsible for their own actions, and lastly should be all of those traits like considerate, mature, etc that get preached to a person as a child that we should always strive to be. My list of should's sounds awful doesn't it? It also sounds stressful. It is stressful.

Now we fast forward to the present. While I still have those things on my list of should's, I've relaxed the protocol on a few of them after this experience. Things don't necessarily need to be so difficult, you know. Specifically the bit about responsibility. I still think that I should be responsible, but now maybe I could take some time to be a little irresponsible. Maybe what I've been thinking about my should's are just what other people told me or showed me that they should be. So now we reach the real question: what about the "could's"?

Imagine you're looking at a big screen of all of the things that due to your should's you think you can't do. Now imagine a giant waste paper basket. Dump all of the should's in it. Dump them! Thank you. What happens to the could's? They magically light up on the screen and all of a sudden what you could do might trump what you should do. For me, when I abandon my strict "responsible" act thing I can do all sorts of mumbo jumbo that I didn't think I could. Like what you ask? Like getting on a plane and coming to Estonia. Like applying to the U of T in a program that I didn't think I'd get into and then getting into it, like anything really. I've always wanted to go sea turtle conserving. I don't why, it's not even remotely relevant to anything. But I could.

I am eminently practical. Forget practical. It never made anybody happy. Going to Estonia made me happy. It made me look beyond my nose at the world around me. So eschew the should's for a moment because you never know what you might find on your list of could's.

I'll leave you with this, another quote from "You've Got Mail". This time the speaker is "Birdie" played by Jean Stapleton, who's a genius, I think. "You are daring to imagine that you could have a different life. Oh, I know it doesn't feel like that. You feel like a big fat failure now. But you're not. You are marching into the unknown armed with... nothing. Have a sandwich."

Seriously. Have a sandwich. Or cake for breakfast.

Helsinki!

At the risk of sounding like Maria from The Sound of Music, bright sunny days, boat rides, big cities, and scenery are some of my favourite things. Which I suppose is why Helsinki was so much fun. We did, however, have a sort of rocky start. I woke up in plenty of time to pack and meet Kevin so we could get the bus to the harbour. I even had time to stop for coffee. I met him on the right side of the street, at the right time, and got on the right bus. In the wrong direction. We only went one stop before realizing the problem but it still took us far further away then we wanted to be. This is what I get for letting Kevin check the bus schedule. Anyway, we called a cab and made it to the ferry at it's last boarding call. With literally a minute to spare. Aahhh...

So slightly sweatier than necessary, but with no harm done, we embarked on our 2 hour journey to the land of reindeer. Not that there are reindeer in Helsinki, but rather in Finland generally. Sorry.

After disembarking from the windy ferry, loaded with caffeine and curiosity, we took a bus to where we thought was the city centre. Turns out we were wrong and it had taken us to the outskirts of town, but there was a metro right across the street. Kevin then decided that it would be an opportune moment to take off without saying where and left me waiting on a set of stairs for twenty minutes. I was very annoyed. We got over that little blip eventually and sorted ourselves enough to get on a subway and get off in the heart of the city. It was beautiful, I have to say. Central Station was an attractive building on a busy street positively teeming with people. We stare around a little with slightly glazed over eyes before moving on to our next project. Our bags are heavy and I didn't pre-book a place to stay. According to the guidebook, two beds in a hostel is a comparable price to splitting a double bed hotel room. The hotel is just off of Helsinki's central street so this appears to be the best option.

As an aside, I have a question about European hotel rooms, or hostel rooms. Rooms where sleeping happens in general, actually. North American hotel rooms only come with double beds. But the European ones come with two single single beds.. does that mean they don't sleep together? Have I uncovered a possible reason for the decline in birth rate?? Hee...

Ok, after getting somewhat settled we went to forage for food. My God, Helsinki is expensive! To keep things cheap, we split a pizza and head to the harbour for some sightseeing. We wanted to go see an island called "Suomenlinna" which has a fortress and crazy views. We spent a very long time on this island, which was absolutely stunning. I love, love, love to hike and the rolling grassy knolls directly by the seaside with all of these historical sites was someplace I could roam for hours. I left Kevin behind in my eagerness to explore and met a nice Spanish family who took my picture in front of the sea. A few hours later we were cold and hungry so we ventured back to the ferry and rode into the harbour again.

Food was again an issue and I took to my enormous guidebook for help. It said to check out a pub/restaurant that was only a street away from our hotel and was apparently "ironically decorated in a tractor theme". Well, it was right. There were tractors, and wire fencing, and barrels, and strangeness everywhere. I didn't get while it was ironic until after leaving the bar. I blame it on being flabbergasted as it was rather obvious. Soviet era propaganda included a lot of tractors.. and this was a tractor bar. Right. Got it. Anyway, the food was delicious and after that bed was calling. Good night, Helsinki!

The next day dawned bright and beautiful. It was as sunny as the day before and so after breakfast we hopped on a bus that would take us all around the city, just so we could take a peek. It was a welcome rest from all the walking the day before and was also nice and warm, which despite being sunny, Helsinki wasn't. After catching a glimpse of the most important sights we got off at the large Cathedral close to the Harbour and took a look inside. It was surprisingly austere with little in the way of the traditional excessiveness that large churches usually have. We walked and walked again until we had exhausted most viewing possibilities. It was a Sunday so mostly everything was closed but that didn't stop us from finding a charming tourist shop, a great park to sit in (I watched two old men sit on a bench for a while), and just roaming the streets aimlessly. The day passed quickly and after our last meal at the most charming cafe, it was time to gather our things and get back on our ferry.

It was a pleasure to visit Helsinki, but Tallinn had started to feel a lot like home and we missed it. It was a relief to see it's spires in the distance as our boat drove into harbour. If I can't leave for two days.. how am I going to go back to Canada?

So, before writing about my adventures in Helsinki, I want to outline five of my favourite things to do in and around Tallinn. These may not be things that I do everyday but are rather things that I have only done once and enjoyed so much that it ranks as a favourite. I will start at five and work my way up to the number one spot. Ready? Here we go.

5) The bus ride from Viru Keskus to Viimsi on route A1. I don't live or really ever need to go anywhere near this route, but if you're a person who likes a good scenic drive, this bus will provide that for you. One day, my friend Kevin suggested that we go ride buses to places we hadn't been before. He'd asked me to go before but I always turned him down, citing better things to do with my time than waste it on a bus. However, it happened that this afternoon he finally caught me at a time when I had nothing to do and couldn't think fast enough to invent an excuse not to go. As I recall I was upset about something, though now I can't remember what about and driving around on a bus seemed a good a thing as any to escape the doldrums. As we were deciding which bus to board to whereever, my mother called. Kevin was trying to talk to me, the bus garage was echoey, my mother wanted something, and I wanted everyone to go away. So, to escape the chaos I boarded the first bus I saw, not caring whether or not Kevin was even with me. Being the good friend he is, he boarded after me (not that I gave him any choice) and we started our trip to neverland.

The route took us past Kadriorg Park, Lauluvaljak (song festival grounds), and eventually brought us alongside Pirita Beach. We got off here and wandered through the woods until we got to the water. We picked a relatively chilly day for such an excursion so this beach stop didn't last very long before we were back on the bus again heading towards the unknown. It was getting late in the afternoon by this point and the sun was starting to set as the bus looped through a wealthy neighborhood with shops and apartments (it appears the Viimsi is a suburb) on it's way back to the city centre. We pass a marina, and soon see the beach again but from this side of the road we can see Tallinn's Old Town across the water, dark against a dusky sky. The whole hour-long bus ride was entirely worth it for this view. I hate to admit it- but Kevin might have been right about this random bus riding thing. Maybe.

4) Second hand shopping. I am and always be a sucker for a good shopping spree, but in order to curb costs incurred by this habit I have to suss out places that sell nice things for cheap. The local chain of second hand places is called Humana and sells a variety of decent stuff that I don't need to pay out the nose for. I can spend literally hours rummaging through racks of crap in order to find the one gem that makes it worthwhile. Even if I don't find anything it's still nice to turn my iPod up on maximum and get lost in the hunt. I think such an activity is symbolic of how I am in everyday life, perhaps always looking for the impossible.

3) Feeding the ducks. I am 85 at heart, I swear. There was one day that I walked through a park almost next to my home and took out my camera to take a photo and all of these ducks swarmed me thinking I was about to give them something to eat. I felt so guilty that I actually started telling them that I had nothing to give them. This was ridiculous because ducks of course, don't understand what people say, and if they do, these would have been Estonian ducks and I was speaking English. Now I come prepared and on sunny days sit in the park and read and feed the ducks. Sometimes I even try speaking in Estonian. Maybe the only thing this trip has done for me has been to make me lose whatever remaining marbles I had in Canada. Whatever. I like ducks.

2) Prowling. Wait.. prowling? Ok, maybe not prowling, but certainly going out for a drink. I think I may have mentioned the nightlife here before but I feel the need to mention it again. It's really quite something. I remember one evening that began innocently enough at the hostel with drinks that wound up at a pretty popular nightclub called Privé. Everyone was dancing and things were going very smoothly when suddenly the music stopped and our attention was directed at the stage that was subsequently cleared of the half naked girls I don't understand who feel that dancing on stages in order to show me their underwear is a good idea. These girls were replaced by a dance crew who were backing up a very interesting... wait for it.... drag show. The man/woman was really rather good and performed several different numbers with several different costume changes. Just when you think you know a place, it surprises you in a variety of different ways. Ways that will be burned into my mind for the next decade.

1) Dinner with friends. This is by far and away my very favourite thing about this trip. Tallinn offers many different culinary experiences as one would see in any modern city but going to these places wouldn't be nearly as interesting or as much fun without friends. Vapiano is a popular choice, serving both pizza and pasta, while the various cafes are better for a more one on one setting and serve anything from meals to cakes and pastries. Set aside places to go to and what you're left with is eating in. And we do lots of that, too. Usually, not a week goes by when someone is cooking something for a group. My favourite of these occasions was a pancake breakfast at Nicole's one Sunday morning. It made me feel like home because my parents and I have a tradition of Sunday breakfasts that I hadn't realized I missed. I think that this week is maybe my turn to cook up something for everyone but I haven't decided yet what that's going to be. Stay tuned!

A Day in the Life

Whenever I blog, it seems to be about events that occur outside of days spent in relative mundanity, so now, since I'm at a point in the blog's timeline where there's a week of nothing before my trip to Helsinki, I figured I would regale you with some everyday life stories.

My week begins with two lessons, as every week begins, in Russian and Estonian. At the outset I have to say that Russian and I are not friends, have not ever been friends, and will likely never be friends in the near or distant future. It conspires to kill me from either embarrassment or raised blood pressure, either of which would be a welcome excuse for not going to Russian. I'm normally a fairly intelligent person but for whatever reason, it consistently fails to sink into my thick skull. The reason I'm blowing this out of proportion is because the teacher asks oral questions and I never fail to embarrass myself, every, single time. Cheeks turn red, somebody takes pity on me and corrects my mistake, sweat glands expand, but the floor never opens to swallow me up. It's like eternal disappointment.

So, after I finish wishing I'd never woken up that morning, it's time for lunch. This part isn't interesting except to mention the extraordinary amount of pickled items that come with sour cream that are available for my consumption. I eat rice.

Now, we're sitting in Estonian. Same teacher as in Russian, but I'm way better in Estonian class so she usually leaves me alone. We learn a little (why do I keep hearing "cocks" and "sex" so much?), and then I let my mind slowly drift over what the rest of the day may hold. As I'm drifting, I realize I'm supposed to be saying something useful. I snap back attention, say the answer, and then drift away again. This happens five or six times before I'm allowed to leave. Having gone through the motions of the class, I wander down towards the exit. I deliberately take longer than usual as the thought of spending the rest of the day alone while everyone else is in class doesn't really appeal to me. I go to the washroom, linger awkwardly downstairs attempting to make the small talk I'm so poor at, and then I finally go to my trolley, back to the city.

The trolleys are like giant caterpillars whose antennae are attached to a string and who make an annoying whining sort of sound. The iPod goes in almost immediately, which serves a dual purpose; a) to ward off irritating strangers and b) to prevent me from puking all over the trolley. I get really motion sick, really easily. While I'm listening to what could most accurately be described as death metal, I run through the same quandary in my head as I do every time I get on the trolley: get off and get the four? Or, get off at the end and get the one? The latter takes less time, the former is lazier. I always pick the former. These thoughts entertain me for another twenty-five minutes or thereabouts. I always do my best thinking on the trolley, but I never remember what exactly it is I was thinking about by the time I'm in a position to write it down.

So, this is where it finally brightens up. I'm alone, for the rest of the afternoon and evening. At home, this would be a rare luxury. I therefore, take quick advantage of the opportunity. Sometimes I stop for ice cream, sometimes I take my camera and explore secret places, sometimes I lay on park benches and read or people watch, and sometimes on rare occasions, I'll have remembered my sketch pencils and I try to capture what's in front of me. In these moments, I'm filled with the rush of the possible. I am an artist, a dreamer, a ghost or a wonder. If I could capture such romantic notions and save them for later I would, but such frivolous thinking is fleeting.

On my walk home, I remark at the abandoned buildings at the top of my street, the beautiful park I walk through which rain or shine always has an old lady feeding the ducks, on the castle I have the privilege of looking at every day, and at the fragility of freedom. Because, if there's anything that living here has taught me, it's certainly that.

The sun is usually starting its journey toward the earth at this point, and the sky has that certain light that either inspires a song, or inspires your body to remember its dinner time. I don't sing, so to me it means dinner. Curry anyone? And maybe a little wine….