Shoulda, woulda, coulda?

This trip, among many other things, has been about self exploration. It was my first trip abroad, my first chance to see how other people do this little crazy thing called life, or was the lyric love? Oh, well. It wasn't maybe, the first time I've had to move alone, or blend in with a new set of people but it was the first time I was so far away in a completely different environment that required me to re-jig my priorities to fit the context. Actually, the most major revelation started before I ever left the country. I find that revelations are sort of like busses, none come for hours and then they all come at once. Anyway, I've been thinking, and to quote Meg Ryan in "You've Got Mail", I wanted to send this cosmic question out into the void. What is the difference between should and could, and equally, how do we separate what we could do or want from what we should do or want?

More specifically, I wonder about the "should's". I think each of us has their own set of "should's" which could be anything from should finish washing the dishes, to should have children or should get married. Each of us has their own independent sets of pseudo obligations or duties that we sometimes feel are vital. For the sake of narrative, I'll divulge what mine were before, and then I'll tell you how I don't really know what they are any more. Ok, so my should's include: should do my absolute best all the time, should study for a week in advance of every test, should eat healthy and not eat cake for breakfast, should be responsible always because if a person is anything they are at least responsible for their own actions, and lastly should be all of those traits like considerate, mature, etc that get preached to a person as a child that we should always strive to be. My list of should's sounds awful doesn't it? It also sounds stressful. It is stressful.

Now we fast forward to the present. While I still have those things on my list of should's, I've relaxed the protocol on a few of them after this experience. Things don't necessarily need to be so difficult, you know. Specifically the bit about responsibility. I still think that I should be responsible, but now maybe I could take some time to be a little irresponsible. Maybe what I've been thinking about my should's are just what other people told me or showed me that they should be. So now we reach the real question: what about the "could's"?

Imagine you're looking at a big screen of all of the things that due to your should's you think you can't do. Now imagine a giant waste paper basket. Dump all of the should's in it. Dump them! Thank you. What happens to the could's? They magically light up on the screen and all of a sudden what you could do might trump what you should do. For me, when I abandon my strict "responsible" act thing I can do all sorts of mumbo jumbo that I didn't think I could. Like what you ask? Like getting on a plane and coming to Estonia. Like applying to the U of T in a program that I didn't think I'd get into and then getting into it, like anything really. I've always wanted to go sea turtle conserving. I don't why, it's not even remotely relevant to anything. But I could.

I am eminently practical. Forget practical. It never made anybody happy. Going to Estonia made me happy. It made me look beyond my nose at the world around me. So eschew the should's for a moment because you never know what you might find on your list of could's.

I'll leave you with this, another quote from "You've Got Mail". This time the speaker is "Birdie" played by Jean Stapleton, who's a genius, I think. "You are daring to imagine that you could have a different life. Oh, I know it doesn't feel like that. You feel like a big fat failure now. But you're not. You are marching into the unknown armed with... nothing. Have a sandwich."

Seriously. Have a sandwich. Or cake for breakfast.